Shames and Flaws TMI About me. (2015-2016)
Column: Jafira's Ramblings
As many may have noticed, I have been inactive and missing for most of forever or so. I do feel insanely bad about that.. Its embarrassing and the reasons are many.
But ultimately It comes down to social anxiety..
I worry too much about what others think about me, not particularly in regards to otherkinism or draconity, I've gotten pretty good at defending my beliefs or blowing off criticism over the years so I don't necessarily shy away from those type of topics or confrontations, more so its the benign stuff that keeps me up at night.
Strangely I'm more afraid of friends then enemies, I welcome rivals, I know they hate me, so there is nothing to lose, friends however can be lost and that concept worries me. I am socially a hermit and due to inexperience I constantly worry about what my peers think of me, "what should I say?" "did I just say something stupid" I don't know how to make friends or talk with others well and it is because of this phobia that I tend to avoid friendships.
In regards to draconity, otherkin and my web sites, when my forum goes down, or when/if I lose/procrastinate important emails from people saying hello or asking for advice, I quickly become depressed that I am failing to live up to the role that I've pushed myself into. I get into a procrastination depression loop worrying that I am letting others down or failing to represent our community properly. I beat up on myself and again kind of just disappear.
Another odd quirk is that I tend to seek validation through personal possessions and life experiences, so when I do get depressed I'll find myself aggressively working off line to obtain new spiritual trinkets or research, I continuously study the paranormal and metaphysics to the extent that I have begun to lose all interest and patience with the topics.
Introspectively I think I try to repair my self image with research and trinkets because I have a self inflicted inferiority complex. I worry that some visitors may look up to me, so I try to validate myself as otherworldly and knowledgeable in order to maintain the image of an instructor or elder.
In all honesty though I'm really very shy and non sociable and just keep to myself and a small group of friends. I just love dragons and wrote my thoughts on a website instead of a blog or twitter. But to live up to the image my site created over the years I tend to tell myself that if I can just obtain the right knowledge or possessions it will cause me to open up or it will build up my social confidence, then maybe I'll be able to say the right thing or undo any harm I may have caused.
I tend to convince myself that I need all the books on otherkin, all the theories on dragons and spirit and a massive dragon shrine to reaffirm my legitimacy whenever I wake up or come home. But in the grand scheme of things otherkinity is all faith. treasures and books really shouldn't matter much. What's important is what I personally believe for myself and the opinions I can share from those beliefs. I need to somehow get past my weird I'm not worthy of my own hype inferiority complex and just commit to chatting with friends and not disappearing for months on end.
TLDR: I constantly worry about what others think of me, I find constant excuses to give myself a panic attack that nameless trolls whom I'll never meet may see a picture or read a quote that makes me a target. Or that I will, in my inexperience offend or let down a new or close friend. I inevitably panic and crawl into my lair to vanish for months or years on end. I get nothing done this way.
So meh, I figure if I put it all this out there, its done and who cares. If I publicly confess my insecurities, they're in the open and are no longer fodder to be attacked or come back to bite me on the tail later, they're old news. It's over. I can move on.
I am not the holy dragon pope I set myself on an alter years ago to be, I am not a saint, I am a very weird, perverse and flawed entity, it is just something that will have to be accepted.
So, here we go! Let's ride Jafira's Shame Train.. :oops:
I consider myself a furry, and a damn awful one at that. Ages ago back in 2004'ish on a site/forum called Silverdragonsden (long gone) there was a debate regarding dragonkin claiming to be real dragons. Somebody posted a rant by 2 The Ranting Gryphon (http://www.ranting-gryphon.com/) regarding the matter. This introduced me to this comedians rants and later his podcast 2-Sense. I listened religiously to every episode and when his show ended I moved on to Furcast and various other furry themed media, over the years I joined Furaffinity, F-List, Sofurry, Transfur, Herpy, and various other furry sites. alhough I was only ever active on FA and DA.
I never allowed myself to become very active in any of the furry communities due to a fear of reflecting poorly upon my personal spirituality or the dragonkin community as a whole. (though thanks to tumblr it really doesn't matter anymore..)
My character Rashau and later a Kora-Rashau hybrid worked well as fursona's to place distance between being furry and being loyal to my spiritual identity. But for the most part I never really allowed myself to participate in anything beyond listening to furry podcasts, media, or viewing the communities art etc. That said, I never really made any friends or built connections, for better or for worse I just lurked for ten years.
Last year, as a personal resolution, I determined that I would make mild efforts to accept this interest. Primarily joining some local meet ups off and on and by commissioning a fursuit of my dragon identity Korageth. (though now that It is done and in my possession, I've found I don't feel very natural or comfortable in it) In as such, meh, I am a furry, I have primary interests in anything relating to dragons, hydra's, snakes or raptors.
When it comes to furry artwork, I sometimes like soft vore (snakes/dragons) although the interest seems to come and go randomly. Mostly I'm primarily fascinated with transformation art of any kind, probably because I grew up reading Animorphs. I love the idea of experiencing existence, sensations or the instincts of alternate forms. Honestly, if I could have one superpower, it would be to shapeshift myself or others at will!
So squee, I love it when a character is transformed into something new or is twisted around like a pretzel, accompanying gender shift's are an added bonus, whatever will most likely force a new perspective on to or mess with a characters psyche (I.E turning a predator into a prey - vice versa) or whatever will push a character the farthest away from their natural state of being. Rawr! Draggy Like! ^,=,^
Below is a picture of the fursuit mask that I had commissioned in 2014. A body suit exists but is under going upgrades as I am trying unsuccessfully to stitch a custom tail to the thing and make it less cartoony / rudimentary.
I discovered My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic during season 1, I was on various art sites and continued to encounter artwork and 4chan memes of RainbowDash and the other ponies from the mane six so I became curious and awkwardly convinced my mate Skyla to look into it with me. We downloaded the first few episodes and were hooked, we joined in on the fad about the time that episode 13 was coming out, so meh I might had been a little late to the party but not that bad, we remained hooked ever since. I fondly remember that during one of the first "Bronies of Phoenix" meet ups me and my friends brought cupcakes, pizza and Smash Bros Brawl to the party and many fun times were had^^
During the fad I had made a couple of Pegasus Ponysona's based off my dragonkin identity Kora (a dark grey stallion with the moon for his cutie mark) and Rashau, who had a dragon wing for her mark, (though it'd be obscured by a pink cape) Unfortunately I never used the characters for anything other then avatars on Equestria Daily, which I joined but never participated in.
My mate Skyla made a unique ponysona for me and herself and made a little roleplay family and it was quite cute but it too never went anywhere. She made her version of my ponysona out to have color traits from my two dragons, my cutie mark was a green meteor flying past a crescent moon. (A recurring scene that I've been lucky enough to observe once or twice a year since my late teens.) It represented my proneness to experience unique encounters in life.
So meh, yeah I was a brony, seen every episode at least twice, I have all the large vinyl pony collectibles, all the lunchboxes, all the buttons, keychains, and jewelry, I'm pretty awful. I can only hope the collection might be worth something someday.
I spent the majority of my free time watching PMV's on youtube, when not watching Smosh, Pewdiepie, PeanutButterGamer or Game Theory. FlimFlamfilosophy was one of my favorite channels for the mentally advanced cartoons and their FFVI and Skyrim Lets Plays. I was also a fan of shireclopponies Friendship is Witchcraft parodies and used to visit jhallers top ten every month.
I listened to the crazed Ramblings audio recording of Fallout Equestria in the winter of 2014 and ended up crying like a wuss through most of it, loved the story.
Any way, yeah, I was thirty years old and loved my little ponies^^ Peace^^' :XD:
Whenever I go to write a letter or comment on something online, I have a panic attack, it takes all of my will power just to write a paragraph, then when it is done I'll edit and proof read it for several hours before sending or posting.
My fear became so overwhelming that I had to abandon Skype entirely as I couldn't take the panic attacks I would experience just from someone simply saying "Hi".
I don't know how to make friends on line, and the ones I do make, I inevitably freeze up and drift away from.
Its so strange, as off line I can be quite extroverted. I have no problem making friends off line. Its just the internet. I guess the problem is since there is no face to face interaction I can't gauge non verbal communication and feel at a weakness.
It drives me nuts. because there are so many people and kin that I meet online whom I just love, respect and envy, people I would make friends with in an instant if I only had the courage and skills.
On this site, things are different, as I am in control and the commentary is one sided I can speak my heart unabated without fear. If only I could gain the comfort I have here and carry it at all times.
Poor and Unambitious:
You know, the problem with me is that I spend all my free time thinking of impractical get rich quick schemes or simply raging and crying about how after all my bills are paid I am always bankrupt, instead of doing the obvious and reasonable act of simply jumping ship from my undignified dead end janitor job of ten years and actually seeking the best of my potential.
That and whenever I do have a little extra cash on hand I quickly spend it all on the first shiny thing I see. So remember: "Jafira is poor because he is unambitious and lazy. Don't ever let him fool you with his sob stories and woe is me crocodile tears."
Now, with that said...
GODS DAMMIT! WHY CAN'T I EVER AFFORD NICER THINGS!! ARGH!! I NEED MONEY!! I NEED MORE DRAGONS!! FREAKING HELL WHY CAN'T I AFFORD MY DESIRES!!! *THROWS HIS CHAIR AND EXPLODES*
Hey, regardless of spirituality I'm only human, I am greedy and fallible like anybody else, nobody's perfect! :oops: