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Jafira's Ramblings

To all the wonderful people looking for me

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I've been getting countless greetings and kind hello's from strangers and old friends alike. Thank you, thank you all, you're all so kind, I love you all, to past friends and acquaintances I miss you more then you know.

I am aware of your messages, I care, I want so badly to respond, to run over to each of you and wrap my wings around you all in a huge draconic hug, you have no idea how much I long for your friendships!

Sadly.

This is what happens....

*Wakes up* "Today is going to be amazing, I'm signing both my phone and computers into all my messengers, I'm going to have a presence, be at my best and change a life today" ^,=,^ *signs into all messengers - goes to work / begins day*

(15 min later)

"Kind Dragon'y Stranger has sent a friend request"

Mind: "Squee! A new friend! "

Old Friend: "Rawr"

Mind: "It's my old friend!"

Insane Irrational Phobia: "Fight or flight!!! Run! Run now! Fly away! Hide! Pretend you didn't see it! Mute the apps! Run! Run now or you're gonna die!!"

Mind: "But this is what I wanted?! I want to help others, to be a friend, change a life and be there to listen and learn with others!"

Insane Irrational Phobia: *Puts bodies heart in a vice* If you don't run right now I'll make this thing explode!! You are in danger! You need to think of / do something else this instant!! I won't let you proceed any further!!"

Mind: "But.. they're friendly and benign, this is exciting! What we always wanted? We need to make friends, help them, hear them out and grow with them, it's how we improve as individuals!"

Insane Irrational Phobia: *Stabs at heart deathly tight* "NO! Mad Focus. On. Your. Task. Ignore them, RUN!"

Mind: "But...but why...?."

Insane Irrational Phobia: "You are safe in your solitude."

Mind: "Lies... it's only stagnation we must progress to grow.."

Insane Irrational Phobia: "Distract your thoughts and sleep, you cannot defeat me."

Mind: "Someday I will.."

It is so hard for me to respond to loving kindness such as all your greetings and attempts at friendship. I fight hard but I falter sometimes. When the messages pile up, for days, weeks, months, I feel terrible that I've abandoned such friendly attempts to be a part of my world.

I feel guilt and it makes it so much harder. But eventually that guilt turns to a righteous rage and I fight through the fear to respond. Still, I'm sorry for all the silence. You all mean a lot to me, you really do.

It's stupid, I only have this happen online. Were we all to meet in the same building in RL we'd party, I'd buy us all a feast, kick on some tunes and we'd party till dawn^^ But my psychology is backwards and flawed, If I can't see you, hear you, buy you a drink, interact in person, my brain will panic and crash into irrational fear. It makes no sense, but such is my mind, I'll do my best to fight, but please, forgive the delays and silence, I really do care..
Jafira's Ramblings: Jafira's thoughts- blog, journal and general ramblings.
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